Long thoughts

By on March 11, 2017

Death. It’s inevitable. In a sense, we were all born to die. We were born knowing that one day we would die. So why do we still cry and weep when death is so near? We can’t escape it, it has to happen at one point or another, and yet, it still hurts. And sometimes, the sadness that overtakes us is so unexpected because you feel like you’ve prepared yourself, you’ve come to terms with it. Trust me, you probably haven’t.

My great grandmother is 96 years old. She was in perfect health less than a week ago. When I’d come to visit we would always watch Wheel of Fortune(her favorite), joke about the length of my skirt, and nibble on peanut M&Ms together.

Earlier in the week she went into an emergency surgery for the removal of a blood clot in the brain. She was left paralyzed on the right side of her body and unable to utter a word. The other day, I went to go see her in the hospital. I didn’t expect to cry at all. I thought I would walk, smile, and sit by her side. I would exude confidence, so that she would know that everything was ok, she was going to be alright. Right, everything is going to be alright? When everything is perfectly fine one day, it’s hard to imagine that the next it’s not.

Everything’s not alright. There my “Granya ‘O”‘ lay, so fragile, barely moving. My eyes just teared up automatically. The sight of her was too much, and I couldn’t contain it. I just don’t get how her health could change so quickly. I came near her. I saw my dad kiss her, hold her hand…and I saw one of the most heartbreaking things. She wanted to reply. She wanted to say something, but she couldn’t. All that was heard were a few inaudible groans. She couldn’t say anything. I saw a tear stream down her cheek. She was trapped. She tried to raise her arm to wipe away the tear, but couldn’t. I wanted to scream from the pain I felt for her.

How must she feel… she wants to say something, but just can’t.She sees all of her loved ones gathered round, does she know things are bad?What if she doesn’t want to be in this state any longer? What if she wants it to be over? How can she tell us?

There are just so many questions I have about how she must feel, that I know will never be answered. And it hurts to know, that we might be doing everything wrong.

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